omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
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