So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
