I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
