We got so high we made milksteak
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
