i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize