Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
