My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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