Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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