can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
