Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
