The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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