hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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