did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize