3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
