so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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