Whats the glycemic index on semen?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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