textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
