And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize