I molested 6 butterflies tonight
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
