oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
