I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
It's blow job season.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Randomize
