I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
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