I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
