Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
did i walk over a car last night?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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