Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
