So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
