Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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