I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
