dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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