how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
