You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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