I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
