im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
