Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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