Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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