Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
