You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
