His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Pooping to opera.
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