I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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