no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
