i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
