My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize