my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
