did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
