May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize