After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
