Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
im holly from the hills drunk
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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