Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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