Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
