you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
