I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
