What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
