I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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