Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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