Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
