you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
